Taking Steps

Each change comes at the end of lots and lots of baby steps. Each step leads me closer and closer to my goal-better health and less weight.

Now I'm not saying I've not gained weight during this holiday season, but I did just take a major step in learning to control it. I just bought a GoWear Fit tracker and I can't wait to use it. Hopefully this will give me some answers that I've been looking for a number of years. Two kids, gall bladder surgery, and being on and off birth control has done a number on my body....I don't even know if I know it anymore. I can't tell you how many times I've told my Husband and my Mother that I didn't understand why I ate what I did, exercised and still managed to gain or loose nothing!

I'll get to know my body very, very well. Almost too well. I'll have data coming out of my ears....LOL

I ended up getting the armband, display (so I can set reminder beeps for water, how many calories burned (and so on)), and I signed up for the 12 month commitment. I'm in this...really in this. I'm excited, I'm scared, and I'm ready to look at just how unhealthy my life is. No more rose colored glasses, pretending that everything is fine.

Now all I have to do is wait, and wait some more. Darn shipping. :)

Lets Try This Again Shall We?

Well here I am, a few days and a few dollars short. I had planned on catching up yesterday during a "snow day"....but I got sidetracked when I had to take our kitty to the vet. One kitty less, and a lot of tears later....I just couldn't blog.

No way, no how.

Sooooo lets catch up shall we?

Way back when, I quit blogging for a little while. I felt like I had it a wall and just couldn't get passed it. I even got so frustrated I took off my purty hot pink bracelet. Uh huh...I did. I felt it became this symbol of my failure. I knew I hadn't committed 110% to my getting healthy, and I became frustrated with it all.

Very, very frustrated.

What didn't help much, is that I went to the Dr for my womanly physical...and got "THE TALK". The gosh-your-height-and-weight-and-your-BMI-shouldn't-be-this-high kind of talk.

I had a BMI of 40.

It's not a number I'm proud of, and that didn't help the matter any. It was like the pile was getting higher, and higher, and higher.....so high you feel like you are buried/mired in everything and you either can't move or have no idea what your next step should be. And that's the real big part of what's bothering me right now. Figuring things out.

Starting tomorrow I'm starting with the basics. I'm going to be keeping a food journal and measuring out all my food. Then the next week I'm going to add exercising to those skills...and so on and so on. That way I can feel like I'm avoiding "doing it all at once" and getting so overwhelmed that I quit...again.

I'm beginning to think that my motto is "Fake It Until You Make It". I need to figure out what my problem is with me soon, before carrying around all this fat does something worse to my body than the wear and tear it's creating now.

This is rather "Gone With The Wind" Of Me But....

As God is my witness....

I WILL GET MY PERSONAL INNER LIFE TOGETHER DANG IT!

I need to grow a pair of iron balls and just go for it. Follow my dreams, and believe that I am worth it and not run away or crumble because something might be hard.

This is just another short note to say that family and everything is ok, the past few weeks of silence is because I was soul searching me. It doesn't help that I come back from vacation and work is nutzo either. I'm also in the process of helping out with the Holiday Shoppe, and that is crazy as well-but will all be over this weekend.

So look for me to post again Sunday-ish with explanations all around, I just didn't want you to think this was all because of something Serious, Serious. Know what I mean?

Miss you!

Thankful

Just a quick note to let you know I'm still alive and kicking. Things have been a little rough the past 2 weeks, and I've been doing some soul searching. :)

Talk soon!

The Ow Factor

Last week was really a bust when it came to exercising. There just wasn't enough time to fit everything in. I had a MASSIVE amount of stuff to do before the party last Saturday-and anything other than that to-do list was just....not happening.

Sunday was supposed to be a day of rest. I hadn't planned on doing much, until I downloaded some awesome songs to put on my workout play list. DH headed outside with the kiddos and I got my workout gear on. I plugged in and let the music take me away.....

My biggest NSV was the fact that I ran/walked 2 miles in a little over 34 minutes. HOW COOL IS THAT??!! And added to that coolness I was able to run a minute and a half at 5 mph and a minute and a half at 5.5 mph. Needless to say that after this workout, I'm surprised that I didn't feel like passing out. The best thing though? Is that I felt so wonderful after it was done. I loved challenging myself to see just how far I could go.

In other words, I beat that crap out myself.

By Monday, I was in a lot of pain...but what did I expect right? The good/bad part of that is Monday is belly dancing night.....so as much as it hurt to shimmy away, it was probably the best thing that could of happened. It loosened up the muscles so that Tuesday things were a lot less painful than I thought they would be. And it wasn't just the usual spots that hurt, but ones that I wouldn't think would be affected.

You know what?

I can't wait to do it again. I suppose that makes me strange huh?

OH and PS: I'm not bothering to acknowledge my weight this week. Between swollen muscles and a visiting Aunty-there is no FREEKIN WAY ON EARTH I've gained 4 pounds in a week. In denial?....Yup and it's not just a river in Egypt.

The Funny Thing About Being Real

I've finally "grown up" enough to have taken my last blog post lesson to heart: No excuses-own up and admit to your actions. You know what? I didn't realize just how freeing that can be, and not in the way I thought.

Yesterday morning I got this strong feeling to step on the scale. At first I was going to ignore it. I already knew I was up, why put salt the the wound? (I suppose it wouldn't be the first time I was a glutton for punishment) I think the hardest thing about finding myself is having the courage to actually listen to my body-become a partner with it. My body didn't make me this way, I did. So I decided to follow my gut and got on the scale. The number I saw totally surprised me-I had lost the weight I had gained and was back at my bracelet weight. What.The.HECK??!!

I think I walked in a haze for the better part of that morning. I finally took myself to task about owning up and this happens? Now I know the loss could be any number of things, but my point to this is that I feel like one of those contestants on the Biggest Loser who has this mental breakthrough and goes on to kicking ass. Four days ago I was at a low point, but yesterday and today-I feel like I could get on the treadmill and pound out some serious calories.

I don't usually get religious but this phrase really seems to fit this situation: Wherever God closes a door, he opens a window. That window sent a ray of sunshine my way, it really did. Now what I need to do is seize the moment and build momentum from this experience. :)

Now I'm off to figure out how to make a workout playlist on my ipod. LOL

The bad, and the ugly.

I created this blog to have a place where I could:

A. Be myself
B. Share what I was feeling instead of holding it in (or eating my way through it)
and C. Be very, very honest with myself

Today, I'll be exercising option C. A week ago I was flying pretty high. Had lost a total of 5 pounds (got my bracelet! WOOT!), and was looking forward to Halloween. But then, it all started to fall apart.

(insert crickets chirping, and me staring at my monitor......blankly)

(fast forward-several hours later:)

As I started to type this earlier today, I could come up with a few excuses to...well excuse my behavior/weight gain/actions. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to blame my oldest child's ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and all his other issues for my emotional eating. Yes those issues don't help, but they are HIS issues not mine. I know how to deal with them, so really all I ended up doing was punishing myself....again.

I don't want to blame not feeling well this weekend for all the eating I did. I don't WANT to do anything but take full responsibility for my actions. I allowed myself to do this to me, and I alone need to stand up and continue to fight against punishing myself in this way.

One step forward, two steps back. I need to remind myself that this is a process, and will take time. I've got 26+ years of this behavior to fight-not an easy battle.

Really, sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself.

I have a picture at my desk of when I was a little girl, before the divorce that changed my life in so many ways. I look at her, wonder what she would of been like with out using food to stop from feeling. I want to hug her and tell her that things will be ok, when really what I should be doing is wrapping those arms around myself. I am her, I only need to find her inside me-but she is hiding, afraid to come out. I catch a glimpse of her sometimes, but before I can give her that hug-she dances out of sight.

I know that today's post isn't the most happiest one, but I wanted to put this out there and not go and hide and be angry at myself for being human. How can I feel my feelings if I don't let them ALL out, happy or angry or sad? I can't...so this is part of my treatment and even more so about finding me.

The New Hotness

I must say, my new hot pink bracelet looks mighty fine, and funny enough, it gives me an extra spring in my step. Why you ask?

Because it's a visual representation of the fact that I LOST.5.POUNDS. That after months of trying, I somehow-someway got my little act together and said that enough was enough. I was done being fat and miserable!

Whenever I felt myself slipping, or feeling down on myself-I just look down and and I'm reminded that even thought I'm at the beginning of this journey....there is progress. :)

This weekend though, will be my biggest challenge. Halloween and all it's candy. I think I'll just have to keep it locked up somewhere, so I can ration it like some miser. LOLOLOL! I already feel like I have to be on the treadmill 24/7, so I'm sure candy isn't going to help that feeling one bit.

I have been able to increase my exercising this week, which is better than it was-but I still know there is room for improvement. But rather than looking at it in a bad way, I'm choosing to call it a NSV, and just being happy with what I CAN do. Speaking of exercising-I don't know if I'll be doing as much walking tomorrow evening as I had planned. We were going to go to Boo Zoo tomorrow night but that might be changing. (Dear Son1 came down with a 103 fever and headache in the middle of the night last night) If we don't, I'll make sure I get some treadmill time in before dark. Who knows though. For all I know I might be up all night with a puking kid.

I'm really quite surprised at myself lately. I'm actually CRAVING exercising. I don't know if it's because I'm really bored at work so I need to get that energy out, or what. It seems like if I don't do something-I get twitchy. That's a good thing right? :)

Before I end this, I want to thank two lovely ladies for this award:



This means a lot to me, so a big HUGE thank you to Salina and Mommy2Joe for thinking of me. I'm not going to name any blogs right now, because between the both of them-they got them all. What that means though, is that I'm sure I'll follow/find many other great blogs and will pass them along as I move on my journey!

MUAHAHAHAHA!

Guess who got her hot pink bracelet today?


MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!


Sorry, just had to get that out. LOL

Blah, Blah, Blah

Whoa, did that week go quickly huh?

Usually I try to blog a couple of times a week, but for some reason I didn't last week. It wasn't because of my non weight loss the week before, (I figured it out, Hello Aunty! ;) ) but because of something else.

Heck if I know what that "something else" was. I do know that I had some HUGE non scale victories...the biggest of which was being able to do all but one running interval in my c25k program. Talk about HUGE!! I about cried, I was so happy. The others weren't as huge as that, but each one brings me closer to preventing this happening to me again.

This week there has been little movement in the weight department, mere ounces. And that's ok, it's what I expected after last week. You get out of it what you put into it...and I can't say I put much into it. This week is different...I'm back to journaling my food again, and I plan on doing at least 2-3 c25k sessions on the treadmill. Plus I'll be doing a TON of walking on Sat! :D

Last night at belly dance, we talked costumes again. And again I looked at myself in the mirror and vowed I'd have a waist.....because after all who wants to see a fat belly dancer? Not I, and I still can't quite watch myself even dance yet. Anyway, what I'm getting at is that is that it lit a fire under my butt (again)...and whatever it was that happened last week, is not what's happening this week.

And that's a good thing. ;)

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This week is grocery week, and lately it's been so hard to pick out what I want for dinners, lunches, and food. EVERYTHING looks good, EVERTHING looks yummy.....and it's hard to pick and choose what I need to fill my body up with. Sometimes it seems so hard to plan the "right" things and sometimes it seems so overwhelming.

So I'm off to plan my food....and hope it doesn't send me searching for snacks. I've been a hungry gal lately!

A Watched Pot

Funny how you can be sooo close to something, yet never seem to get there. That's where I am right now. I'm so close to loosing my first 5 pounds, that I can taste it. But you see, that's half the problem.

Now may people have different ways of weighing in and keeping track. Right now I happen to weigh in on Mon, Wed, Fri-this way I can kind of keep track of what I'm doing and to make sure I'm going down the right path. It's more for reassurance really, but also to show myself that I'm really doing it. I've felt that the past few times I've started and stopped and somehow I'm afraid of failure this time. (And yes I do know my weight will fluctuate, and this rant isn't about that-it's about me being too eager. Waaaaayy too eager.)

Somehow I thought week 2 would be easier. LOL

Monday I weigh myself (official weigh in) and I'm down 4. Wednesday I weight myself and I'm up a bit (ounces really-pittance). Today I weigh in (after telling myself I wasn't going to do it) because I worked out last night and thought for SURE I'd be 228 so I could give myself that darn HOT PINK BRACELET.......

nope.

dang it.

Sooooo, one of two things are going to happen. Either I'll actually just maintain this week, since I had such a big drop last week (a la Biggest Loser wk 2) or I'm actually just getting ready to drop some weight because I've been the same consistent weight the past 4 days.

Isn't the suspense amazing?

I think I'd need to bust out the low fat buttered popcorn.

I know this is not a race, I know it takes time....and this post was more of a "poke fun at myself" kind of thing, rather than a real rant. Those will come soon enough I'm sure. So for now I'm sitting back, laughing and dreaming about hot pink jelly bracelets. LOLOLOL

Week 1 Wrap Up.

What a week Week 1 was. Ready for my official weigh in? (drumroll please......)

Starting Weight: 233
End of week 1: 229

I lost 4 POUNDS! WEEEEEE!

How awesome is that?

All in all I'm pretty shocked. I've never lost that much in a week except maybe the first week of Weight Watchers nearly 10 years ago. What makes it even more interesting to me is that I followed my calories (according to the app I have on my iPod), and even had a "free" day and I was still able to keep it together. Now I know that doesn't sound like I'm giving myself enough credit, but hey week 1 is always the hardest!

My most proud non scale victory this past weekend was the fact I didn't give in to emotional eating. My Grandmother had a small stroke, and was admitted to the Hospital early Sat morning. I controlled my eating somewhat all day (grabbed some healthy snacks at the gas station plus some water on the way with my Mom) and didn't binge eat when we finally sat down for our evening meal later on that day. In fact I was worried I had eaten too much. I had not, but how interesting to be worried about it. I never would of been before, I would of told myself I deserved it after such a rough day or justified it some other way.

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Do you know how hard it is to find a decent 2x belt (or even to find a 2x belt)? I might as well been on a pilgrimage to a long lost grotto, yet there it was, right there in front of me on Friday night. I didn't hesitate, and snatched that baby up as quickly as I could. The good thing is that I'm only on the first slot, so I'll get a lot of use out of the belt before I have to move down to a smaller belt/size/whatever.

Belly Dancing class went well last night. I'm finally feeling like I'm getting it together, meaning being able to move my upper body separately from lower body. I'm also feeling better over all about the class. Last night I didn't think about quitting once (even during the tummy crunches warm up), and if anything each class drives me back to my vow of having a waist again. :)

Today is a day of rest for me (usually pretty sore after dancing) but tomorrow you'll find me up at O'dark 40 doing some interval training on the Treadmill. I hope to go 15 minutes and walk the rest, but we'll have to see. I've got a bit of a cold, and may be coughing too much to do much running. Don't feel like hacking up a lung, so I might just have to tone down the exercising a bit. It's that time of year folks. Blech!

If you noticed, I've tweaked my goals and rewards a bit. Do you remember those jelly bracelets you wore a long time ago? Well in case you didn't notice-they are back. I totally remember rocking them back in the day. I found a pack at Wal Mart, and decided to do like Weight Watchers and give myself something "visual" for each 5 pounds lost. That way I can wear the bracelets, know what colors stand for how many pounds lost (I haven't decided, I need to soon though), and use it to motivate me. It's not a bookmark or stars, but it's a good substitution!

Holy Cow

Unofficial weigh in: 230
Unofficial weight loss: 3

SWAEEET!

Now I know it's not weigh in day, but I just had to check and see how the changes I've made so far this week were doing. SQUEEEEEE!!!!

What even makes me happier is that I'm proud to say that today is the first day I'm really struggling with the munchies....which I know is totally in my head because I ate my oatmeal with Flax seed meal. There is no getting hungry after that, there just isn't. LOL

This week I also took some time to try to determine how I was going to fit workouts into my day to day life. I have 2 children under age 7, so needless to say-I'm always in demand.

You would be soooo proud of me though, Wed morning I got up at 4:30 am and proceeded to do 12 min of interval training (walk 60 seconds, run 90 seconds) and walked the rest of the time. I did my cool down, took my shower and got out right when I needed to. Now I just have to decide which works better. I have a feeling the mornings will be it for a little while, now that I know the sound of my running doesn't wake the boys up. ( The treadmill is in the playroom under their room.)

Now all I have to do is keep it up!

I WILL have a waist....really.

Last night at belly dancing class I found out that we will be doing a recital. Greeeaaattt. I didn't know whether to cry or be happy.

See I'm the heaviest in the class, and I am the "roundest" person in the class. Both don't do much for my self esteem, but I tell myself I'm doing something fun for me.But now I'm not (sort of). I've got to prepare myself for doing it in front of a crowd. (gosh that sounded um, bad... LOL).

Good thing I started on my diet plan last night, because after the sit ups-I vowed to have a waist line before May. But that was only after I thought of quitting. I don't know exactly why that popped into my mind. Did I feel that bad about myself and the whole situation? Was it because I was trying to move my body the way it needed to go and the fat got in the way?

Erg...I don't know.

But I know this, I'm not letting myself quit. I'm not going back to my quitting ways. I'm facing up to it and going strong, whether I have full confidence or not. By stiffness/soreness after every class proves that I'm doing things I've not done in awhile, and I'm not ready to give that up.

What made me really proud of myself yesterday was I identified a point when I was willing to eat through an emotion rather than feel it. I got home from dance semi-upset, and started to think I was "hungry", which seemed strange because I added ground flax seed to my morning oatmeal and barely felt hungry all day. (My GOSH that stays with you. SHEESH!) So I took my shower to think on it, and it was only after that and a quick tour of the Kitchen (nothing looked good) that I decided I was feeling edgy because of dancing, not actually being hungry. It's these little breakthroughs that make me feel hopeful for the future.

If I can't master feeling my emotions rather than eating them, I'll never stay a skinny gal once I get there. I now know that much about myself. Knowing your issues is half the battle, right?

Tonight I think I'll do some Yoga and stretch out all the muscles that are sore. I don't think I'll do the whole workout, maybe just some stretches with the Wii Fit. That way the little scale can yell at me. :) :)

It's Monday...Again.

Starting Weight: 233

I was pretty bummed out this morning when I weighed in. Friday morning I was actually down to 231, so I had high hopes that it would slide on over to the "official" day.

No dice.

It made sense really, as we went to my husband's college homecoming game on Sat-and along with that came a bunch of fair type food (cheese curds, mini donuts, etc). I tried to be good, but the little devil on my shoulder whispered in my ear that I wasn't really "starting" this diet change until today.

Ohhh that mean nasty little devil. LOL Actually I'm not upset about it, and that's a good thing. A year of therapy is helping!

I spent the day yesterday baking up a storm. I made my first apple pie, and I also made these really yummy low fat pumpkin spice muffins. Those are soo good, both of my children want to gobble them up. The muffins are hiding in the freezer, so hopefully I'll manage to eat a few before they are all gone.

Also new to me this week is Flaxseed. I added some to my morning oatmeal, and other than needing to add a little bit of sugar to sweeten it up, I liked it. Gooooo Me!

My Goals To Myself

Here is my contract with myself:

Starting weight: 233

1. journal on my ipod every day what I eat.
2. celebrate every pound lost without saying "but I still have ....to loose".
3. Either do interval training or yoga every day with the goal to get at least 30 min of exercise a day.
4. Keep going to belly dancing class, no matter how awkward I feel.
5. Keep it real with myself and acknowledge everything...no matter how small. I can't move forward if I don't deal with the now.
6. I will QUIT feeling sorry for myself that I'm back to where I started. It is what it is.
7. NO LOOKING INTO THE PAST. It's over and done, and can never be changed.


First weight loss goal: 200 (loss of 33lbs) by the end of the year. This may seem like a cop out, but it's not. There are holidays in there and I'm not superhuman. LOL

Hitting The Wall

We've all had those times when we've hit that wall. We don't like ourselves, we don't like much of anything, and we all know we want to change.

Well I'm there....again.

After my 2nd really big attempt at loosing weight, I'm pretty much back to where I started-and I don't want to be here anymore.

I'm an emotional eater, I always have been since my parent's divorce. Instead of learning how to deal with my feelings, I decided to bury them....and I've paid for it for many years.

This blog has been started as a place for me to vent, keep track of things (good and bad) and just a place where I can get things out.

Welcome to my story.