Thankful

Just a quick note to let you know I'm still alive and kicking. Things have been a little rough the past 2 weeks, and I've been doing some soul searching. :)

Talk soon!

The Ow Factor

Last week was really a bust when it came to exercising. There just wasn't enough time to fit everything in. I had a MASSIVE amount of stuff to do before the party last Saturday-and anything other than that to-do list was just....not happening.

Sunday was supposed to be a day of rest. I hadn't planned on doing much, until I downloaded some awesome songs to put on my workout play list. DH headed outside with the kiddos and I got my workout gear on. I plugged in and let the music take me away.....

My biggest NSV was the fact that I ran/walked 2 miles in a little over 34 minutes. HOW COOL IS THAT??!! And added to that coolness I was able to run a minute and a half at 5 mph and a minute and a half at 5.5 mph. Needless to say that after this workout, I'm surprised that I didn't feel like passing out. The best thing though? Is that I felt so wonderful after it was done. I loved challenging myself to see just how far I could go.

In other words, I beat that crap out myself.

By Monday, I was in a lot of pain...but what did I expect right? The good/bad part of that is Monday is belly dancing night.....so as much as it hurt to shimmy away, it was probably the best thing that could of happened. It loosened up the muscles so that Tuesday things were a lot less painful than I thought they would be. And it wasn't just the usual spots that hurt, but ones that I wouldn't think would be affected.

You know what?

I can't wait to do it again. I suppose that makes me strange huh?

OH and PS: I'm not bothering to acknowledge my weight this week. Between swollen muscles and a visiting Aunty-there is no FREEKIN WAY ON EARTH I've gained 4 pounds in a week. In denial?....Yup and it's not just a river in Egypt.

The Funny Thing About Being Real

I've finally "grown up" enough to have taken my last blog post lesson to heart: No excuses-own up and admit to your actions. You know what? I didn't realize just how freeing that can be, and not in the way I thought.

Yesterday morning I got this strong feeling to step on the scale. At first I was going to ignore it. I already knew I was up, why put salt the the wound? (I suppose it wouldn't be the first time I was a glutton for punishment) I think the hardest thing about finding myself is having the courage to actually listen to my body-become a partner with it. My body didn't make me this way, I did. So I decided to follow my gut and got on the scale. The number I saw totally surprised me-I had lost the weight I had gained and was back at my bracelet weight. What.The.HECK??!!

I think I walked in a haze for the better part of that morning. I finally took myself to task about owning up and this happens? Now I know the loss could be any number of things, but my point to this is that I feel like one of those contestants on the Biggest Loser who has this mental breakthrough and goes on to kicking ass. Four days ago I was at a low point, but yesterday and today-I feel like I could get on the treadmill and pound out some serious calories.

I don't usually get religious but this phrase really seems to fit this situation: Wherever God closes a door, he opens a window. That window sent a ray of sunshine my way, it really did. Now what I need to do is seize the moment and build momentum from this experience. :)

Now I'm off to figure out how to make a workout playlist on my ipod. LOL

The bad, and the ugly.

I created this blog to have a place where I could:

A. Be myself
B. Share what I was feeling instead of holding it in (or eating my way through it)
and C. Be very, very honest with myself

Today, I'll be exercising option C. A week ago I was flying pretty high. Had lost a total of 5 pounds (got my bracelet! WOOT!), and was looking forward to Halloween. But then, it all started to fall apart.

(insert crickets chirping, and me staring at my monitor......blankly)

(fast forward-several hours later:)

As I started to type this earlier today, I could come up with a few excuses to...well excuse my behavior/weight gain/actions. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to blame my oldest child's ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and all his other issues for my emotional eating. Yes those issues don't help, but they are HIS issues not mine. I know how to deal with them, so really all I ended up doing was punishing myself....again.

I don't want to blame not feeling well this weekend for all the eating I did. I don't WANT to do anything but take full responsibility for my actions. I allowed myself to do this to me, and I alone need to stand up and continue to fight against punishing myself in this way.

One step forward, two steps back. I need to remind myself that this is a process, and will take time. I've got 26+ years of this behavior to fight-not an easy battle.

Really, sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself.

I have a picture at my desk of when I was a little girl, before the divorce that changed my life in so many ways. I look at her, wonder what she would of been like with out using food to stop from feeling. I want to hug her and tell her that things will be ok, when really what I should be doing is wrapping those arms around myself. I am her, I only need to find her inside me-but she is hiding, afraid to come out. I catch a glimpse of her sometimes, but before I can give her that hug-she dances out of sight.

I know that today's post isn't the most happiest one, but I wanted to put this out there and not go and hide and be angry at myself for being human. How can I feel my feelings if I don't let them ALL out, happy or angry or sad? I can't...so this is part of my treatment and even more so about finding me.