The bad, and the ugly.

I created this blog to have a place where I could:

A. Be myself
B. Share what I was feeling instead of holding it in (or eating my way through it)
and C. Be very, very honest with myself

Today, I'll be exercising option C. A week ago I was flying pretty high. Had lost a total of 5 pounds (got my bracelet! WOOT!), and was looking forward to Halloween. But then, it all started to fall apart.

(insert crickets chirping, and me staring at my monitor......blankly)

(fast forward-several hours later:)

As I started to type this earlier today, I could come up with a few excuses to...well excuse my behavior/weight gain/actions. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to blame my oldest child's ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and all his other issues for my emotional eating. Yes those issues don't help, but they are HIS issues not mine. I know how to deal with them, so really all I ended up doing was punishing myself....again.

I don't want to blame not feeling well this weekend for all the eating I did. I don't WANT to do anything but take full responsibility for my actions. I allowed myself to do this to me, and I alone need to stand up and continue to fight against punishing myself in this way.

One step forward, two steps back. I need to remind myself that this is a process, and will take time. I've got 26+ years of this behavior to fight-not an easy battle.

Really, sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself.

I have a picture at my desk of when I was a little girl, before the divorce that changed my life in so many ways. I look at her, wonder what she would of been like with out using food to stop from feeling. I want to hug her and tell her that things will be ok, when really what I should be doing is wrapping those arms around myself. I am her, I only need to find her inside me-but she is hiding, afraid to come out. I catch a glimpse of her sometimes, but before I can give her that hug-she dances out of sight.

I know that today's post isn't the most happiest one, but I wanted to put this out there and not go and hide and be angry at myself for being human. How can I feel my feelings if I don't let them ALL out, happy or angry or sad? I can't...so this is part of my treatment and even more so about finding me.